History (very abridged)

 

Portugal is a very, very old nation. One of the oldest in the world. When in Australia, the Aborigines were still far from imagining their land was to become a penal colony, when in America people wore moccassins instead of Nikes, when in South Africa, Apartheid meant the same as the sound of an elephant passing gas, the Portuguese were already trying to find a way to pay our external debt, and to invent brand new ways to eat fish.

Because of that, I can only give you a summarized version of more than eight centuries of Portuguese history with the most significant aspects. The following lines have been approved by the PHFCS (Portuguese historical and fish-cooking society).

218 b.C.-The Roman army arrives in the Iberian Peninsula. Apparently, some members of the senate had overheard fish was great there.

147 b.C.-The Lusitans, a local tribe, rebel against the Romans and declare war on them, led by the legendary Viriato called the "terror romanorum" (terror of the Romans). Viriato was murdered in 140 b.C. by three of his closest friends, bribed by the Roman governor. His last words were: "Boy, I will sure miss the fish!"

409 a.d.-The barbarians invade and establish themselves in Roman Iberia. Conan, the barbarian, was not among them.

711-The Muslims invade the peninsula, coming from northern Africa. They were not very fond of fish.

1093-The king of Castille and Leon, Alfonso VI, presents the French aristocrat, Henry of Burgundy, with the hand of his daughter Teresa. The rest of the body was delivered later that year.

1095-Henry of Burgundy becomes count of the Portucale region in the northwestern part of the peninsula. The Muslims had left it because it smelled a bit like fish.

1128-After the death of his father, Afonso Henriques, fights his mother, Teresa, for the county of Portucale and wins. He would never get another homemade chocolate cake for the rest of his life.

1143-Afonso Henriques signs a treaty with the king of Castille and Leon recognizing the independence of the kingdom of Portugal. In the same year, king Afonso pays tribute to the pope, presenting him with a lifetime supply of sardines.

1249-King Afonso III conquers the Algarve. The first hotels and golf courses were built shortly after.

1385-Portuguese troops faithful to king João I and commanded by Nuno Álvares Pereira defeat the Castillians at Aljubarrota, with fewer troops and fish preserves than their opponents.

1415-The portuguese conquer the city of Ceuta in northern Africa and, three years later, discover the islands of Madeira in the Atlantic Ocean, beginning the golden age of portuguese discoveries, commanded by prince Henry, the Navigator. A small step for man, a giant leap for gastronomy with the discovery of all those wonderful species of tropical fish.

1500-Official discovery of Brazil by Pedro Álvares Cabral. Later, it was also attributed to Duarte Pacheco Pereira and Alonso de Hojeda by some historians and to Carmen Miranda by US president, George W. Bush.

1577-King Sebastião heads a military expedition to northern Africa and is killed with most of his followers in the battle of Alcácer-Quibir. This would be the most inteligent action in european history since the roman consul, Tulius Popilius said "this Pompei place would be really nice to build a city. Nevermind the volcano." In 1580, king Philip of Spain took over as king of Portugal and Spain.

1640-A revolution takes place, headed by a group of aristocrats and with popular support, that puts João of Bragança on the throne as João IV.

1755-A massive earthquake destroys the city of Lisbon and all its fish restaurants. The city would be rebuilt under the orientation of the marquis of Pombal, minister of king José I.

1807-Missing the fish recipes of his home Corsica, Napoleon invades Portugal, forcing the royal family to make a "strategic retreat" (run away screaming) to Brazil.

1908-King Carlos and his son, prince Luís Filipe, are murdered in Lisbon because they prefered game to fish.

1910-Portugal becomes a republic. Tired of being ruled by crowned idiots, people decide they will be ruled by idiots without crowns from then on.

1917-Three children from Fátima claim having seen Saint Mary floating over a bush. An enormous cult starts based on that. A couple of months later, José Simões, a drunkard from Lisbon, claims to have seen Jesus Christ swimming in the river Tagus and is ignored.

1926-A coup d'etat installs a fascist dictatorship with an ideology based on the so called "4 Fs": Fátima, Football, Fado and Fish.

1961-After losing the territories of Goa, Damão and Diu to the better equipped Indian army earlier that year, Portugal has to deal with an uprising in the african colony of Angola. This was the beginning of a long colonial war that would last until 1974 and would take the lives of thousands of portuguese young men forced to fight in one of the most absurde wars of the 20th century. The war would soon spread to other colonies like Mozambique and Guinea-Bissau.

1968-The dictator, António Salazar, falls from a chair and gets seriously wounded. He would die a couple of years later, in 1970. We all miss him. (Why are you looking at me like that?)

1974-A revolution ends the 48 years long dictatorship. Once more, the portuguese people can enjoy their fish with the freedom to say it isn't fresh.

1975-The portuguese colonial empire is dismembered and all the colonies have declared their independece by now. The furthest and poorest colony of East Timor, half an island north of Australia, is invaded by Indonesian troops shortly after they had declared their independence and Timor becomes a part of Indonesia until its independence in 2002 after a long political struggle and decades of violent oppression.

1986-Portugal joins the European Economic Community (later European Union) earning the right to be called poor and underdeveloped in its own right.

1998-Lisbon hosts the 1998 world exhibit, devoted to the oceans (and to all sorts of fish, of course).

1999-On December, the last remnant of the portuguese overseas empire, the tiny territory of Macau in southern China is handed back to the People's Republic. From then on they would have to live without our fish.

2000-The portuguese celebrate the arrival of the new millennium.

2001-The portuguese celebrate the arrival of the new millennium... again and realize that nothing much has changed in their lives. Another plate of sardines is ordered and everything goes on as usual.

2004-Portugal hosts the UEFA football championships and makes it to the final. Some other team won.